Saturday, June 30, 2007

Top 10 Elevator Pet Peeves

As some of you may know, I work on the 19th floor of an office building. Therefore, I get to take a few elevator rides each day and am forced to witness some infuriating behaviors along the way. Since I am not allowed to berate random passengers as a practicing Christian, I have decided to vent a bit on my blog. Enjoy.

10. Pressing a button that is already lit. This could be a floor button, or more commonly, the up or down button in the lobby. Hey Sherlock, your pressing it again does not suddenly accelerate the inner workings of the elevator system.

9. The Conversation Sandwich. This is where I am already on the elevator and two people get on and decide to get on either side of me and then continue their enthralling discussion on how much they dislike Susie or the fact that Subway was out of wheat bread at lunch. These are usually the times I wish I was deaf.

8. This is a derivative of #9 and happens often. I'll be in the elevator, facing the doors, and someone will get on, usually a guy, who decides to stand sideways so he is staring at me while I continue to look at the doors. This can be a precursor to his poor attempt at starting a conversation, but more often it simply creates an awkward ambience that no amount of wishing will erase.

7. The Front and Center Guy. He is so eager to get off the elevator (who can really blame him) that he will shuffle toward the front and stand with his nose two inches from the doors as he awaits his floor. This one is actually more funny than annoying but it is awkward watching him breathe into the metal as he hopes the door opens before he actually walks straight into it.

6. The Lunch Inquiry. I usually get my lunch at the cafeteria on the second floor or occasionally leave the building to grab it at a nearby eatery. I greatly dislike someone eyeing my lunch as I bring it back to my office like they are a cheetah stalking an injured gazelle. Just eyeing it wouldn't be so's the comments I can do without. "Ohhh...Subway...that is good." Thanks Betty for approving of my lunch choice. I wasn't sure I was actually going to eat it until I got your seal of approval.

5. The Smokers. There is a smoking lobby on the second floor and I often get to ride back up with these lovelies. It's like Pigpen from the Peanuts cartoons...on come the physical specimens with their personal cloud of smoke. That's enjoyable in a confined area.

4. The Snails. These tend to be the heavier and older elements of the population but it can also apply to people who simply move at their own pace regardless of how it affects others. So, as I am waiting for the herd to exit the elevator, the doors will start to close just as the last one limps out and by the time I get through the crowd the doors shut and I have missed my ride.

3. The Holders. I am riding down and the elevator stops on the 14th Floor. One person gets on and then bars the door open with their meaty hook as they yell down the hall, "Hey Frank! Hurry up!" Frank is apparently engaged in some other activity that takes precedence over getting to the elevator in a timely manner but that doesn't dissuade his co-worker from waiting longer. Not until the elevator makes a sickly buzzing sound and the doors start to close on their arm does this experience come to a merciful end.

2. The Phone Guy. Usually a guy with the Wi-Fi earpiece who feels like he is Mr. Business and needs to be yapping 24/7. Of course he gets louder once he gets in the elevator because the cell phone reception isn't very good. He is oblivious to everyone but the invisible person yelling in his ear. The only saving grace here is the fact that sometimes his phone will simply drop the call. Those are the kind of moments I live for.

And the number 1 Elevator Pet Peeve...The Budger. These are the people who start to get on the elevator before everyone has gotten off which usually leads to some sort of mass confusion and crowd control issue that is completely unnecessary. They apparently can't wait 3 seconds to get their favorite place in the back left corner. This is the best example of simply not caring at all about the people around you and that is why it lands at number 1.

I hope you have enjoyed. Good night and God bless.