Hope

"We must accept finite disappointment but we must never lose infinite hope." - Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

"To lose heart is to lose everything."

"When the world says, 'Give up,' hope whispers, 'Try it one more time.'

2We always thank God for all of you, mentioning you in our prayers. 3We continually remember before our God and Father your work produced by faith, your labor prompted by love, and your endurance inspired by hope in our Lord Jesus Christ. - 1 Thessalonians 1:2-3

I've been struggling with depression again. Not nearly as bad as the dark times around 2004 but it has been more pervasive than it has been in some time. For me, depression isn't a function of a chemical imbalance in my brain. God has shown me that pretty clearly. The brutal honesty is this...I still place too much of my hope in this world.

It's frustrating and somewhat maddening. I implore fellow Christians quite often to keep their eyes fixed on heaven...to maintain proper perspective on what has eternal importance and what is only temporal and ultimately meaningless. I tell myself to do the same. But I struggle with this all the time because the things of this world are constantly in my face every single day. There is no reprieve. There is no escape in the here and now. The problem as I see it is twofold.

One, my heart, and therefore my hope, is still way too tied to the pleasures of this world. Matthew 6:21 says, "For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." So, I am still desiring too much treasure here. Part of this is due to my job. The goal of any profit-driven small business is to be successful and flourish. I desire to flourish. We aren't flourishing. It is difficult to work hard every day and to not only go nowhere but to have actually gone backward significantly over the past two years.

The second issue is that I continue to view too much of my self-worth in terms of worldly success and failure. I put too much hope in myself. I judge myself on an absolute basis given what I know I have the ability to accomplish, but for one reason or another, have not. I also judge myself on a relative basis with what others my age and younger have accomplished who, in my opinion, are certainly no brighter or more skilled than I am. It's kinda interesting...the bigger temptation for Christians is usually to look at the sin of others to justify their morality whereas I tend to view others in a better light compared to myself. Just shows it is so easy to go from erring on one side of the spectrum only to go all the way to the other side to find a new way to err.

It's good that I can recognize these dynamics at play. It somewhat lessens the hold that the feelings of depression can bring about but it certainly doesn't magically make them go away either. Here is how these two should be addressed:

Ultimately, my professional goals should not be about business growth, success and profits.

"23Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, 24since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving." - Colossians 3:23-24

I should be about the Lord's business within and through my business. This is not easy for someone who grew up with visions of being very successful in the working world and also has very real financial needs that he feels can be solved with the worldly definition of success. Counter-cultural indeed.

Secondly, I must learn to see myself the way God sees me. Again, this is the Gospel. My worth is not found in what I do but what Christ has done for me. I need to tattoo this on my forehead and spend hours every day looking in the mirror. I am still way too wrapped up in trying to find my worth in my own actions and accomplishments.

So, this is what it comes down to and why I struggle. My hope ebbs and flows between heaven and this world...between the eternal and the temporal...between the saving grace of Jesus Christ and my desperate attempt to save myself. I love Paul's phrase, "your endurance inspired by hope". When I start to lose hope my endurance definitely suffers and the temptation to quit looms large. But that is only when my hope is outside of God. I want to eventually get to the point echoed in the verses below. When all earthly hope has been removed...when there is no worldly reason to go on...I will simply look up and know who I am and rejoice in the God of my salvation.

Habakkuk 3:17-18 (New American Standard Bible)

17Though the fig tree should not blossom
And there be no fruit on the vines,
Though the yield of the olive should fail
And the fields produce no food,
Though the flock should be cut off from the fold
And there be no cattle in the stalls,
18Yet I will exult in the LORD,
I will rejoice in the God of my salvation.