I don't typically write blogs that are deeply personal since this is a somewhat semi-public blog and I tend to be a private person, especially when it comes to my dating/relationship life. But God has been bringing some clarity to me recently through "Walking With God" and I think it's worthwhile to write some things down.
A part of the book talks about agreements that we have made in our lives concerning love. Examples include, "I'll never truly be loved" or "Unconditional love is unrealistic" or "Love doesn't last". The second one struck me although it isn't the main point of this entry. I believe my parents have done as good of a job as any two parents can do in showing me what unconditional love looks like. I have never doubted that they loved me. There have been times where I may have felt that I wasn't measuring up to their expectations but I knew at the end of the day that what mattered most was that I was their son. That is a deeply important feeling and one that I don't take for granted. I have received brief notes from both in recent days offering praise and encouragement and I am very cognizant of how blessed I am to be 36 with two parents who are still happily married, healthy and spiritually alive. All that being said, I realize that I don't truly grasp God's unconditional love for me. I have trouble praying immediately after I have sinned and the idea of asking God for anything after I have let him down is extremely uncomfortable. That is me not completely buying into grace and forgiveness and I need to pray about having a better understanding of His love for me.
So, speaking of being 36...and single. I doubt there are any of us out there who haven't made some agreements about love by this point in time. Although I hadn't spent much time thinking about that until I read this book. But I do know one that I have had for quite some time now. It is along the lines of "Love doesn't last". It is also a bit of "No matter what I do it will ultimately never be enough". The latter really got drilled into me again last year when I was doing everything I could possibly do in a relationship (or at least that's the way I felt) only to be told that I wasn't doing enough. Talk about reinforcing an old agreement.
I think the "Love doesn't last" idea came from my high school relationship. I may have been young but I knew it was good...very good. I was definitely in love but it ultimately didn't last. It wasn't even anyone's fault. It just fell apart for one reason or another. Maybe with a bit more life experience and better communication skills we could have made it through but that wasn't the case at that point in time. That left me with a badly damaged heart and the idea that love, even when it feels like it will never go away, can't really be trusted to stay.
I'm a pretty sensitive guy when it comes to matters of the heart. I couldn't just brush that off and move on like nothing happened. It haunted me for a long time...and probably still does on some level as I wrestle with whether or not that feeling I had so long ago can ever truly be recaptured. So, I think what may have happened is that I have held part of my heart back from every relationship since then. Instead, I have focused on being the "perfect" boyfriend because that is something I can control. There is still meaning behind it...I never just fake it. I don't say words I don't mean. But my whole heart isn't there. If you aren't willing to get hurt completely then you aren't going to be able to love completely. I guess I just haven't been willing to risk everything, afraid of being utterly decimated once again.
But that is a big conclusion...almost a breakthrough for me. That does offer me some real clarity and a better understanding of my personal history. I understand my emotional baggage better and should now be in a position to be more aware of it before it really gets in the way. The problem, of course, is that the other person I am dating will bring her own baggage as well. The prayer will be that she is also finding clarity and healing and that we have enough grace and patience to help each other through the rough spots. Definitely too much baggage and not enough grace in my last relationship. I am hoping to change that in the future.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Oh Nancy
I don't usually spend time focusing on unintentional misstatements as they don't really provide value or add depth to the public discourse. However, this one was worth posting.
500 million Americans losing their jobs every month??? WOW. Quite a number given that the US population is around 306 million. I'm sure we can't go fast enough to stop that Nancy. God help us all.
500 million Americans losing their jobs every month??? WOW. Quite a number given that the US population is around 306 million. I'm sure we can't go fast enough to stop that Nancy. God help us all.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Socialism is Here
Gotta maintain that constituency...not on the quality of your ideas or vision or the betterment of America...but on handouts and free money.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
It's This and That With Rusty
Any MADTV fans out there? Hello?
I haven't been sleeping well lately and I think part of the problem is that I haven't been blogging enough which helps me get things out and off my mind. That was the original intent of this blog and I need to get back to it.
So, first things first...Janeane Garofalo on "24"? Please...not that. Shouldn't she be working a gig on a lesbian cruise somewhere in the Alaskan waters? Her early comedic act consisted almost entirely of tirades against men and Hollywood for believing women should look a certain way, i.e. pretty. She made it pretty clear that she refused to play that game just to get more acting gigs. So, now we have a slimmed down Janeane on prime time. Nothing motivates like the need for money, now does it?
Just in case anyone thinks that all the conservative fervor over the incoming Obama's administration total disregard for the unborn is just hype and hoopla, consider this: As President Obama was inaugurated, the White House Web site was being transformed. In the Agenda section, the new administration set forth a range of ambitious technological goals. Most were stated in general, if not vague, terms. One goal, however, was blunt and straightforward. “It says, simply, the administration will ‘Advance Stem Cell Research: Support increased stem cell research. Allow greater federal government funding on a wider array of stem cell lines.’ This can be done by executive order, so there is little uncertainty that it will come to pass.”
Also, Obama held true on his word to repeal the "Mexico City" policy, which means that US taxpayers are once again funding international abortions. He postponed signing this act until the last possible minute on Friday so it garnered as little media coverage as possible. Isn't it interesting that Obama himself wanted no attention regarding this policy reversal? If you believe it is the right thing to do, why not shout it from the rooftop? Perhaps, for the same reason that pro-abortionists wouldn't want to sit and watch footage of a nearly born child having a pair of scissors inserted into the back of its skull. Deep down, in the recesses of their hearts, where God's image still resides, they know it's wrong and have a sense of shame, even if they have buried it so far down under rationalization and misplaced indignance that they can no longer consciously connect with it. It's a tragedy on numerous levels.
I was in Borders today trying to find a John Eldredge book. No luck. However, I was struck by the number of books on atheism, tarot cards and every other kind of man-made belief system. It truly is a tragedy that so many are looking in so many wrong places. We truly have a lot of work to do. On a lighter note, I noticed there was a "Literature" section. It's a bookstore. Isn't the whole place a literature section?? I guess these are books written about books. Kinda like a coffee table book about coffee tables.
I was listening to JC and the U-Man on the radio on my way to work on Thursday and caught JC's latest thoughts, or lack thereof, on God. I have tried to witness to him on several occasions but his mind and heart are so closed that I think it will truly take a "Damascus Road" moment to shake him out of darkness. They were talking Obama's inauguration speech and his supposed agreement with the Constitution's assertment that "all men are created equal". JC jumped on that and said that is crap because you can't tell me that the guy standing next to Michael Jordan is equal to him...in talent, money, fame, etc. And, of course JC is right in that context. We are not equal to each other when it comes to physical gifts, intelligence or socioeconomic status. But that isn't what the Constitution is saying. As much as he would hate to admit it, JC should realize that the signers of that document, for the most part, very much believed in the God of the Bible. Thus, equality means that we were all created equally in God's eyes, everyone in His image. God made each of us wonderfully different and unique but His love is available to each and everyone (by the way, I heard a recent Piper teaching on how God's love for believers is uniquely special compared to the unsaved, using John 17 as his reference). It was the founder's hope that America would value that kind of eternal equality and live it out in this temporal world by promoting life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. I am somewhat surprised that JC didn't jump on the word "created". Since, he doesn't believe in God, he can't believe in creation. That would have been the better point to make but perhaps he has learned to tone down the overt references to atheism on the radio.
OK...that should hold me for a bit. I need to do a 2008 wrap up at some point. Hopefully soon.
I haven't been sleeping well lately and I think part of the problem is that I haven't been blogging enough which helps me get things out and off my mind. That was the original intent of this blog and I need to get back to it.
So, first things first...Janeane Garofalo on "24"? Please...not that. Shouldn't she be working a gig on a lesbian cruise somewhere in the Alaskan waters? Her early comedic act consisted almost entirely of tirades against men and Hollywood for believing women should look a certain way, i.e. pretty. She made it pretty clear that she refused to play that game just to get more acting gigs. So, now we have a slimmed down Janeane on prime time. Nothing motivates like the need for money, now does it?
Just in case anyone thinks that all the conservative fervor over the incoming Obama's administration total disregard for the unborn is just hype and hoopla, consider this: As President Obama was inaugurated, the White House Web site was being transformed. In the Agenda section, the new administration set forth a range of ambitious technological goals. Most were stated in general, if not vague, terms. One goal, however, was blunt and straightforward. “It says, simply, the administration will ‘Advance Stem Cell Research: Support increased stem cell research. Allow greater federal government funding on a wider array of stem cell lines.’ This can be done by executive order, so there is little uncertainty that it will come to pass.”
Also, Obama held true on his word to repeal the "Mexico City" policy, which means that US taxpayers are once again funding international abortions. He postponed signing this act until the last possible minute on Friday so it garnered as little media coverage as possible. Isn't it interesting that Obama himself wanted no attention regarding this policy reversal? If you believe it is the right thing to do, why not shout it from the rooftop? Perhaps, for the same reason that pro-abortionists wouldn't want to sit and watch footage of a nearly born child having a pair of scissors inserted into the back of its skull. Deep down, in the recesses of their hearts, where God's image still resides, they know it's wrong and have a sense of shame, even if they have buried it so far down under rationalization and misplaced indignance that they can no longer consciously connect with it. It's a tragedy on numerous levels.
I was in Borders today trying to find a John Eldredge book. No luck. However, I was struck by the number of books on atheism, tarot cards and every other kind of man-made belief system. It truly is a tragedy that so many are looking in so many wrong places. We truly have a lot of work to do. On a lighter note, I noticed there was a "Literature" section. It's a bookstore. Isn't the whole place a literature section?? I guess these are books written about books. Kinda like a coffee table book about coffee tables.
I was listening to JC and the U-Man on the radio on my way to work on Thursday and caught JC's latest thoughts, or lack thereof, on God. I have tried to witness to him on several occasions but his mind and heart are so closed that I think it will truly take a "Damascus Road" moment to shake him out of darkness. They were talking Obama's inauguration speech and his supposed agreement with the Constitution's assertment that "all men are created equal". JC jumped on that and said that is crap because you can't tell me that the guy standing next to Michael Jordan is equal to him...in talent, money, fame, etc. And, of course JC is right in that context. We are not equal to each other when it comes to physical gifts, intelligence or socioeconomic status. But that isn't what the Constitution is saying. As much as he would hate to admit it, JC should realize that the signers of that document, for the most part, very much believed in the God of the Bible. Thus, equality means that we were all created equally in God's eyes, everyone in His image. God made each of us wonderfully different and unique but His love is available to each and everyone (by the way, I heard a recent Piper teaching on how God's love for believers is uniquely special compared to the unsaved, using John 17 as his reference). It was the founder's hope that America would value that kind of eternal equality and live it out in this temporal world by promoting life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. I am somewhat surprised that JC didn't jump on the word "created". Since, he doesn't believe in God, he can't believe in creation. That would have been the better point to make but perhaps he has learned to tone down the overt references to atheism on the radio.
OK...that should hold me for a bit. I need to do a 2008 wrap up at some point. Hopefully soon.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
He Ain't no MLK
It is no small irony that the day before Obama's inauguration, the nation will pause to honor Martin Luther King. In 1963, King stood on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial and gave his most famous oration, the most well known line from which is, "I have a dream that my four children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character."
But Obama and his party have divided the nation into constituency groups judged by all manner of ethnicity and special interests rather than the individual character King envisioned.
Perhaps the most famous line from any Democrat presidential inaugural was uttered by John F. Kennedy in 1961. He closed his remarks with these words: "And so, my fellow Americans, ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country."
Barack Obama and his party have turned that clarion call on end, suggesting that their constituents should "ask what your country can do for you."
On Tuesday, Barack Obama will take an oath "to support and defend the Constitution", but he has no history of honoring our Constitution, even pledging that his Supreme Court nominees should comport with Leftist ideology and "break free from the essential constraints that were placed by the founding fathers in the Constitution, at least as it's been interpreted."
But Obama and his party have divided the nation into constituency groups judged by all manner of ethnicity and special interests rather than the individual character King envisioned.
Perhaps the most famous line from any Democrat presidential inaugural was uttered by John F. Kennedy in 1961. He closed his remarks with these words: "And so, my fellow Americans, ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country."
Barack Obama and his party have turned that clarion call on end, suggesting that their constituents should "ask what your country can do for you."
On Tuesday, Barack Obama will take an oath "to support and defend the Constitution", but he has no history of honoring our Constitution, even pledging that his Supreme Court nominees should comport with Leftist ideology and "break free from the essential constraints that were placed by the founding fathers in the Constitution, at least as it's been interpreted."
Thursday, January 15, 2009
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